I’m finally getting back into my blogging routine, so what better way to start then by being completely honest and raw? This was a hard one for me to post. Do I really want you all to see my heart? God keeps asking me to go further, to show more. I don’t know why, but that’s the theme here, I guess. Rip open my insides for you all to see. It just hurts sometimes.
The word is Again…
I look around me and see what I don’t have. I feel the pulsing rush of envy as I walk around my life. It stings and I wince, but it doesn’t stop me from looking.
And wishing.
And thinking I need that thing that I don’t have.
Again.
I want to find encouragement in the homes others have made in this online place, but lately my mind is waging war against me. Instead of wrapping myself up in the love of Jesus as seen through their eyes, I pull the blanket of jealousy over my head and can see nothing else but all of their work and nothing of mine.
And then the questions come, but the one aching question that burns in my soul:
Am I not good enough?
And the ache is too much and the discouragement is more. Again and again and again I find myself here. My eyes look to me as I try to earn the praise of others, and my heart stops beating in time with One who created this.
I gasp for air as, one more time, I am defeated by my own heart.
Hi there Amber! Linking up here from 5 – Minute Friday! Wow, I so know that feeling of comparison and envy…often it is not my house, but in my writing (or lack thereof!) and then every so often the house thing gets me too (like when I drop my 5 year old off at friend’s houses who are MUCH bigger and MUCH nicer than ours! ahem!)…
I wrote a post last weekend that spoke to this a little bit…and then a commenter left a link (Ann- first comment) to another fantastic post called “Enough”! You should read it…it really spoke to my heart!!
I enjoyed reading your honest words this morning. Blessings to you!
Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your time being spent here, really. Thank you so much for the link and for going to the extra trouble for me! Yes, my writing is where I feel lacking the most, I think. I need to keep my eyes fixed on the true Author and not worry about anything else…
p.s. here is the link to that post…
http://www.littlewritermomma.com/2013/01/letting-go-of-ideal.html
I SO don’t have any answers, but wanted to let you know you’re not alone in your thoughts!
Glad you shared.
Thank you for stopping by!
I so get this. Thank you for your transparency and honesty.
Keep up the God work.
I appreciate your time. That last comment is convicting….thank you.
Thank you for being vulnerable here. This was healing for me to read.
Your welcome. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words.
Amber,
You always speak to my heart. Thank you for obeying Him and bringing it all out on the pages. This is what I found when I was looking for something to share:
http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=how_to_be_content
Love you, sis!
Cathy
Thank you Cathy! You are always so encouraging. I appreciate your friendship and for always cheering me on. So grateful…