I’m finally getting back into my blogging routine, so what better way to start then by being completely honest and raw? This was a hard one for me to post. Do I really want you all to see my heart? God keeps asking me to go further, to show more. I don’t know why, but that’s the theme here, I guess. Rip open my insides for you all to see. It just hurts sometimes.
The word is Again…
I look around me and see what I don’t have. I feel the pulsing rush of envy as I walk around my life. It stings and I wince, but it doesn’t stop me from looking.
And thinking I need that thing that I don’t have.
I want to find encouragement in the homes others have made in this online place, but lately my mind is waging war against me. Instead of wrapping myself up in the love of Jesus as seen through their eyes, I pull the blanket of jealousy over my head and can see nothing else but all of their work and nothing of mine.
And then the questions come, but the one aching question that burns in my soul:
Am I not good enough?
And the ache is too much and the discouragement is more. Again and again and again I find myself here. My eyes look to me as I try to earn the praise of others, and my heart stops beating in time with One who created this.
I gasp for air as, one more time, I am defeated by my own heart.