This is my 100th post and this month marks one year since I started writing again (not blogging, just writing). I was trying to think of something profound to say for my 100th post. It’s supposed to be extra special, right? By now I should have some wise words to spread across the web.
But I don’t.
It’s just me, still trying to figure it out. God has led me on an amazing journey this past year. I am still in awe of how one word, one commitment to one word, one way of viewing God, my husband, my life–how that would completely transform it.
Obedience. Just plain old obedience.
Without question, without whining or complaining or justifying to God or myself. Just doing it, doing what I know He wants me to do. Walking out in faith, unsure of where the path is leading, yet following the One who does know.
Step by step.
I did this–or tried to– and my marriage was transformed, my relationship with God was changed and I was able to see myself in a new, stronger, more able way. It gave me confidence in my relationship with God, instead of always cowering in fear because I’ve messed up again. I was able to put to action what I’ve been reading about for so long.
I thought I was putting it into action before. I wasn’t, not really, not with my entire heart. I would weakly suggest to myself I should do this or that. I would read books and mentally be on board. I would tell God tomorrow I’ll start.
And I have obeyed, in areas like homeschooling. I did not want to homeschool, but God called me and we jumped in to that pool. But I get something out of it. I love schooling my children! I love planning, teaching, organizing their days. I do it for me a lot of the time.
But this obedience that God was asking of me was something I did not want to do, or there were times I would not benefit or come out on top. I did not exactly enjoy humbling myself to my husband to the point of forgiving him for so many, many wrongs. I did not enjoy when God asked me to go low for my girls and show them grace anyway. I should fight for my rights, right? I should take what’s mine, let them all know they have hurt me.
No, God has shown me a better way.
More painful, but better. The kind of obedience He asked of me was a constant giving up of myself, my entire Self, to Him–the One who can take the Self and transform it into the woman He wants.
The woman I have been messing up.
So, for this 100th post, I don’t have anything too profound to say. Just a recap of where God has brought me.
Where He brought me in 100 posts, what He did in 100 times of coming to Him, in this act of writing about our relationship in an effort to show Him off to the world, is almost a miracle.
But in this writing place, in this worship place, I have seen His face and I tried to show it to you. I just want you to know Him, to see Him, to love Him. I am nothing but a weak vessel, struggling, trying to do my best. I fail all the time and don’t have anything that God hasn’t given me, but I hope through that weakness, His glory is seen all the more.
Because I can do nothing on my own.
I am nothing on my own.
I’m just trying to figure out how to live this life with grace, trying to see Him along the way. I pray you have seen this, too.